Boom

I feel completely alone.

I left work drained on Friday.  After two back to back weeks working 60-70 hour weeks, and leaving work 4 hours later then I expected, I was tired.  I hadn’t seen HB in a week since he had been working similar hours, and I was looking forward to seeing him. 

We ate dinner and before getting into our respective cars he pulled me into a tight tight hug.  And I burrowed into it.  The comfort of it.  The warmth of it.  The support of it.

July 4^th has some romantic significance to me.  I remember watching fireworks with JJC when I was 18 and recognizing the vibrancy of the blasts.  I remember watching them with Third and feeling nothing but the excitement of them.  I remember a year ago watching them out of the corner of my eye while literally being dragged along and thinking how dangerous they were. 

I wasn’t feeling my best this weekend, and Texas is in a draught so the fireworks were banned so on Monday I turned on the television so I could watch.  And see the colors and the brightness light up against the blackness.  I made up some dinner and invited Honey Badger over, excited to see him. 

I picked up some beer for him and worked on dinner while he entertained Ari on my couch.  I collapsed next to him and watched the television and thought about other 4^th’s, and how it was nice to finally feel secure on the holiday.  Safe. 

I noticed his hands weren’t on me, and aside from the hug I trapped him in when he arrived he hadn’t touched me all night.  After the fireworks, he got up to leave, and I started to cry.  I realized it had been a long time since I’d gone out of my way for a man, and I was grateful to trust someone, and scared because I suddenly realized what it meant that he wasn’t touching me.

He asked me why I was crying, why I was mad at him, and I replied, that I wasn’t mad.  Just disappointed-that my effort wasn’t being reciprocated naturally. 

He went home, and today I called him because I wanted to say what I felt.  To talk about it.  And now its done. He hesitated to give me an answer saying that we had so much in common as friends.  I pushed for an answer, hating waiting for the moment of ignition.  

I feel so naïve.  I feel so alone.  I feel so foolish. 

And so not good enough.

Ka-Boom.