A letter for Maddy: on what is beautiful

Miss Madeline,

 At the age of 3 you somehow possess more style than a lot of the women I know. I love that everyday you pick out something that feels good to you and you have very real opinions about not just what you're wearing but what the people around you are wearing too. Given that I am also a lover of clothes, I delight in your style.

But it makes me worry a bit too-this focus on the external. I was driving you to see The Nutcracker and you told me that you wanted long hair. When I asked why, your answer crushed me, "So I'll be beautiful."

How is it at 3 you already have this idea?

 What I know, and what you'll discover as you get older is that beauty is ever so much more than how you look. You will meet breathtakingly stunning people, who once you get to know them and their actions will become steadily more and more unattractive. You wont like them-not because of how they look but because of how they behave.  It's amazing when you begin to see the manifestation of a person's heart on their external skin.  Your actions to a certain extent do become your appearance.

 It works the other way too. Sometimes you may overlook someone at first, but as you get to know them, their heart, their kindness towards you it starts to show up. Their beauty becomes more and more external.  Sparkling eyes you never noticed before, a crooked tooth that is so endearing it makes you smile to remember it.  My first boyfriend noticed my freckles...and my dimples-something so small but that to him, made me beautiful.

 Your beauty, something that at 3 you are already worried about is entirely under your control. It's not defined by your jean size or eye color. And certainly not by your hair length (cause on that score little darling you are screwed with my hair). But in how you treat others-are you kind? Are you attentive? Or are you mean? Teasing? It's also in how you treat yourself. Do you follow your heart? Do you follow your own style? (you certainly do now) Do you speak kindly of yourself? Do you feel beautiful? 

That last question may be the most important. There was a time when I didn't feel beautiful. I was worried about my hair. Obsessed with my size. Fixing both didn't make me feel beautiful. But you know what did? Being kind to my friends. Having friends that in turn were kind to me. Excelling at work. Discovering that I really really really thought my hips were sexy. The more I focused on what was inside the more my outside seemed to change. I hope you always feel beautiful. And if not I hope you focus on the things that are. And if worse comes to worse call on Auntie J cause to me you are the most beautiful little girl in the whole wide world-and sometimes it helps to hear that.

 Love you!